marshabrady9

I haven't been on here in a while, but I would just like to tell the world how awesome love is.

This summer I didn't get to see Kevin. That's 3 whole months without my best friend. At the beginning I remember thinking "oh man. 3 months is nothing. We can do this. It's going to be soooo easy." Wrong. As time went on, I missed him more and more. Yes, we talked all the time. Yes, I felt more and more sure that our relationship is meant to be...but, I just missed hugging him, and cuddling, and seeing his face while we talked. You know? We told each other everything, and when we talked on the phone I got to hear his adorable laugh...but, I didn't get to see him smile.

2 weeks ago, though, we were reunited and I have never been more happy. I couldn't sit still the last 24 hours. My legs were shaking, my hands were shaking, I gah! I was just so excited!

Kevin and I have been dating now for 5 months, which really is not that long (esp compared to Erika being married for over 2 years, and Kimberly and Mark who have been together for years)...but for me, it's kinda a big deal. The thing with Kevin is that he and I were best friends before we started dating, so even though we had only been dating for a month before summer started, we were a lot closer than most couples after only a month of dating.
And I've known I loved him for a while now. I'm not sure exactly when I became sure, but I know that I love him. I wanted to tell him, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon, or how he would react, etc. It's scary. (I know Derek and I used "the L word" but I know we didn't mean it. Maybe we thought we did...but no.)
So about a week ago (on Saturday night), he and I were just laying in his bed talking and I had pretty much decided that I wanted to tell him. But I didn't know how. How do you bring that up? Do you just wait, and then non chalantly throw it out there? I don't know! So I obviously start just acting weird (cause I'm so smooth), and he's wondering what is wrong. Then I decided I'm going to make him say it first. I start asking questions, and eventually I got this story:

Kevin: "Heather, do you remember when we said good-bye before summer? I gave you a hug and kissed you good-bye before Emily drove me to the airport?"
Me: "yes"
K: "I wanted to tell you then that I loved you, but for some reason I just didn't. And then all summer I worried that I made the biggest mistake of my life in not telling you. I couldn't tell you over the summer because you can't say that for the first time over the phone or over the internet. But all summer I knew that I loved you. So, Heather, I love you"
Me: *through happy tears* (because I'm a huge ass sap) "I love you, too"

So basically...I love him. The main difference between Kevin and Derek is that I know Kevin means it, too. I can just tell by the way he looks at me whenever he says it. He makes me feel beautiful and wonderful and not just good enough, but perfect. I just feel like I can be myself around him, and he loves me for it.

That's my life as of now. For the first time, I think....wait, I know I am in love. And our relationship is better than ever. We don't always agree, but whenever we disagree we discuss things and our relationship only becomes stronger because of it. I'm never afraid to tell him about my mistakes and flaws, I don't feel I need to hide anything from him. I trust him. I'm never worried about what he's doing when we're not together, and I don't get upset when he talks to other girls.

I just love him. A lot.

So this morning I had to say good-bye to Kevin for 3 months. This was so hard! Kevin and I get freaked out if we don't see each other for like 12 hours, and when we didn't see each other for a week, we were so depressed. How are we going to survive 3 months?!?

Yesterday, we decided we wanted to spend as much time together as possible. I sat in his room while he packed. I helped fold, but mostly we just kinda talked (about nothing of importance). His roommate moved out early evening, so I decided to spend my last night in Redlands in Kevin's room. As we were laying down in his bed just talking, he got really quiet. And I was like "Kevin, what's wrong? Why aren't you happy?" and I was very playful and happy about it. But he just remained really quiet. I put my face right in his face (in a playful way with my puppy dog eyes), and was like "What's wrong?" He just buried his face in his pillow because thinking about saying good-bye to me made him really sad. Through tears he said "I don't want to go home. I just want to stay here with you."
Of course I started crying because c'mon, what girl wouldn't cry at that? We just lay there holding each other for so long. It was so hard!!

Then later that night, we decided to stay up super late just enjoying each other's company. He told me random stories about his childhood, and wanted to hear stories about mine. It was really nice to have someone that genuinely interested in getting to know me (even though he knows me better than most anyone). The last thing he said to me before we went to sleep was "You know what I'm going to miss the most? Just sitting here and talking to you." And again, I started crying.

Did I mention I love him? Because I do....And guess what? I think he loves me, too.

We both cried today as we hugged good-bye. I miss him already, but we are going to be okay. I just know it. He makes me happier than anyone!

Okay, I am so scared.

Don't get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy. But that's what scares me. I like him. I really really like him. And I know we haven't been dating very long, but because he and I were best friends beforehand, it really feels like our relationship is far more serious than most relationships are after only a few weeks.

He's adorable. He and I were talking tonight on AIM, and as he was saying good bye he said, "At the risk of sounding like a complete tool, I really miss you."...which made me so happy! I worry that I like him more than he likes me. You know how girls are...but hearing (or reading, I guess) that just made me feel better.

He already knows me far too well...and despite that, he still wants to date me. There is so much potential for hurt here. But for some reason, I think this one is going to be okay.

I'm just not used to this whole happy thing...

Okay, so do any of you remember me talking about my besties here at Redlands, Kevin? He and I do everything together, and he is my best friend here. But we have always just been friends.
I have had a crush on him for a while, but I never wanted to say anything because I love him so much as a friend, and I don't want to risk that...Im pretty sure I told Katie and Brandon once that I wanted to date someone just like Kevin (but maybe taller), so that I could have my best friend and a great boyfriend too.

Well...
as of like Saturday night/ Sunday morning at like 5 AM, he and I are dating!!! Like exclusively. Its official.

And I have not been this happy in so F-ing long!! I told him that I had liked for a while. But I never in a million years guessed he would could ever feel the same toward me. Turns out he was in the same boat...he claims that he has had a thing for me for a while, but it's so hard for me to believe it. It's so weird. I never ever ever never ever saw this coming, especially right now. Maybe like senior year right before graduation or something...but what?
And seriously, I have not stopped smiling since then. I fell asleep on Sunday smiling because I was so giddy! We had dinner at the commons today (it was just us at the beginning, but then others joined later), and I would look up at him and just start smiling. I can't even count the number of times today I thought to myself "Wait...is this real?"

So I am taken!!! In the first time in over a year! And he is amazing!! And did I mention I am so happy?

I love life!! And Kevin is so my favorites!!

Oh, PS He is an amazing kisser!!!!! Uh-mazing!

So let me tell you a story...and some parts of this story you may not agree with, but I'm trying this new thing this year where I am completely honest. I'm gonna see how that works for me.

A few weeks ago, I was at a party and I was pretty drunk. In fact, It was probably one of the drunkest nights of my life. And there was this guy (from the Ultimate team who I kinda knew) and he took care of my sick self. He brought me water, and tucked me in on a couch upstairs so I could just sleep for a few hours...

The next morning, I thanked him and apologized for being such a wreck (all this via Facebook), and we kinda started flirting and talking. We planned to hang out again sometime that week (before our spring break).

So that Thursday after I got back from the opera, I went to his room to hang out. I was exhausted, and he was slightly tipsy. We put on a movie, but you all know how that goes...we just kinda started making out. A lot. But there were some scenes of the movie we watched. I told him I was really tired, and he offered to let me stay in his room if I was you know "too tired to go back to my room". So being the ho I am, I took him up on his offer. And so I changed into a pair of his shorts (way more comfy than jeans...you girls know!). And we lay down, and obviously we start making out...and so on...Long story short there, he's very much a giver. He didn't care if he got off at all, he just wanted to make me happy. That's hot! And he said at one point he definitely did not want to just have sex because he didn't want to just be a hook up. He wanted to be more.

Spring Break happens, and he invited me to spend a few days with him and some of his buddies up in Big Bear. I decided against it because a few drunken nights in Big Bear with him and his Frat bros is not exactly how I wanted to get to know him. I don't know. At this point, I kinda saw him as a potential b/f so I didn't want him to have less respect for me, so I decided to hold off on that.

Friday of Spring Break I was back on campus as was he, and he and I hung out. It was so much fun. We broke into my dorm (they change the outdoor locks over break). And that was really exhilirating. It was that night he told me that he wanted to take me out on a date sometime, but he didn't have his car on campus (mind you, he was drunk at the time...and nothing of a date has really been mentioned yet)

So over the past week or so, he and I have been hanging out every few days or so. Sometimes we are drunk, sometimes not. Sometimes we kiss and make out, sometimes we don't. But I realized yesterday that I always initiated things. Yesterday I decided that I was over it. I mean, if he wasn't going to call me, why would I go out of my way?
And yesterday was a shitty day! So my roommate, Morgan, and I had decided about a month ago that we were going to live together next year in the same room. And yesterday I got a note from Morgan saying she was going to live in an apartment with some of her sorority sisters. What am I supposed to do? I have to find a roommate in a week. So I was kinda depressed, and I decided to get ready for bed and then just read for a while. And around midnight, Mark called! He just wanted to hang out. So he came over to my room and we just sat and talked for a while. And honestly, I felt so much better afterward. I think today is going to be a good day.

And to think...I almost walked away...

Maybe there is happiness there...

so i haven't written on here in forever, but i want to vent about something and this seemed like the perfect place...

so kevin is going on a date. with a girl at redlands. i want it to go well for him. i really do. i just hate change, you know?
he's happy about it, and i mean, it's a cute story...it is! but i like being his best friend.

anyway, this is just me putting it out there that i am not going to screw this up for him. i am going to be sincerely supportive and happy for him. i want him to find someone that makes him happy. she might be that girl....so i need to be a best friend, and be supportive.

it's just hard cause he's so damn cute!

A lot happened, and a lot didn't happen, since the super cute messages between Eric and I. Here's everything...

So he and I went on a few dates. He drove out to Redlands and everything. Our first date he took me to the Elephant Bar, and it was cute. Then we went to this fantastic park near my school, and we just walked around (it's huge!) for hours...then we stood at this little ledge (for lack of a better word) where you could see the entire city! seriously, it was beautiful! And it was there that he kissed me for the first time. It was good. I don't know if any of you have ever anticipated kissing someone for a very long time, and you're so ready for it you're about to burst...and then when it finally happens it doesn't even seem real. It was kinda like that. Like, I would open my eyes and think "Oh, Eric? I totally forgot. That's not who I was expecting." But yeah, so that was cute.

Second date we went out for frozen yogurt, my treat. And Morgan was out of town this weekend, so I was kinda avoiding inviting him back to my dorm because I was pretty sure I knew what could happen, and I was unsure about whether or not I wanted that to happen. But eventually, I kinda had to invite him back because Golden Spoon was closing...
So we decide to watch Clerks II, and we are both laying on my bed (it was cute, I'm not gonna lie)...and then at one point he starts to readjust and move, and I was like "Oh, are you uncomfortable?" to which he replied "No, I just wanted to do this" and he kissed me. Cute! Anyway, things moved very quickly from there, and we ended up having sex. But it felt more like, excuse my french ladies, but it felt more like fucking. It wasn't romantic. I just felt objectified (is that the word you used, katie, when we were talking about it?). But yeah, it was okay...but not how I imagined it.

From then on out, I kinda wanted out. I didn't want to hurt him, and I still wanted to be his friend...I just realized that dating was not in our future. So then I started acting all awkward like, but finally, on Monday I told him that I thought he and I worked better as friends, but that I definitely still wanted to be friends. And he said he definitely still wanted to be friends, too.

So I think Eric and I would have been great 2 years ago, but we missed our time. Now is just not right, and I doubt there will ever be a time that is great for us. I have accepted a great friendship, but I am really glad we gave it a shot. And that is the story of Heather and Eric.

So I think some of you may remember when a few years ago after Europe, I had a huge crush on Eric Albertus. Well, he and I have been hanging out a lot more lately, and yesterday he came to visit me in Redlands. This morning when I woke up, I had the following message waiting for me in my inbox on myspace:

subject: So...

I have this friend. I’ve known her now for 2 years. She’s an awesome girl and very attractive. I had the opportunity to be with her 2 years ago but chose not to…it’s a decision I regret. I really value her friendship; there aren’t a lot of girls who can make me laugh, who I can talk with for hours and hours on end, and who can make me feel smart and dumb at the same time. I’m crazy about this girl. I’ve wanted to tell her how I feel when we’ve hung out but let fear get the best of me each time. The last thing I want to do is ruin our friendship but I feel that by not telling her how I feel I could be missing out on something great. I can’t tell if she has any feelings for me other than those of just a friend. I heard her say that she doesn’t want a boyfriend. So would it be dumb of me to even reveal these feelings? Should I just let her live her single college life and not complicate things by telling her? I do know that if she does reject me I won’t let it ruin the friendship and I hope that she wouldn't act different around me. So do I play it safe and keep things the way they are, or do I take a chance?


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I think he is talking about me!! In fact, I know he is talking about me! Isn't that cute? Oh my god!!
So I responded with the following:

subject: what a coincidence...

I have a friend like that, too. I've known him for two years, but he was in a relationship when I met him 2 years ago, and then when he was single, I got into a relationship, and for the first time we are both single. He's pretty fantastic. I think I've had a crush on him for 2 years and counting now. I feel really comfortable with him. He is intelligent, funny, and I've always found him attractive. We just kinda click.
And I think I want to date this guy, but I do need space to be me. I like to be my own person, and I want him to be his own person too. We should both have our own friends, but I would definitely make time to spend with him. I guess I just would want to take things slow. Just see what happens, where things take us.
But, uh, back to your question...I think you should take a chance, and tell her. There is a pretty good chance that she feels the same way.

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so i will definitely keep you updated on anything that happens!! I am so freaking excited!

kimberly, i am not trying to steal your thunder. this is pretty much a one time thing.

so i just read a friend's survey. it asked her about her exes. she said "i dont make mistakes...i just date them."

how true that is in my case.

i just thought i would share.

where to start??

okay, so i got roped into doing running crew for our may term musical (which is pretty much the most extravagant ridiculous thing ever!!), and before my first day which was Monday, I had dinner with some of the other crew members. A tall blonde man sat with us. He was very funny. His name is Zack.

I want to have his children!! Okay, so he is a freshman at USC majoring in theatre, and he had a supporting role in their spring musical (he must be pretty good!). He grew up in Redlands, and his mom is one of the choreographers for our show, so she roped him into being an Assistant Stagemanager. I really do feel that he is the male version of me. I am not saying he is my perfect guy, but if I were a guy, I feel I would be him. (He even got a 5 on the AP Calc exam!)

And after Monday, I kinda had a huge crush on him, and I thought he might like me, too. Why did I think this? Well, after rehearsal a few of us went back to my dorm to watch some Office, and I walked everyone out, and he came up and gave me this huge hug and picked me up and stuff. I asked my friend Liz if she got the same hug good-bye. She said no. Go Heather!

Now this is the part where you have to suspend judgment partially. Rehearsal really REALLY sucked on Tuesday! It was ridiculous! I do not have class, nor do I have work on Wednesdays in May Term. After rehearsal, we (Liz-crew, Zack, Kevin-Liz's male friend, Haley-cast, Devan-cast) went to a friend's apartment and decided to get a little trashed. I got a little tipsy, and I kinda wanted to get Zack a little tipsy because alcohol acts like a truth serum and I wanted to know how he felt about me. Apparently, he did/does like me! There was cuddling, and hugging, and a few pecks here and there! And at one point, he was like "Are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?" (Because we had already decided that he could stay in my room so he didn't have to drive and "sleep on my extra mattress"), and I replied "maybe", and then he said, "well you could have accomplished that sober" And he is smart! He uses humongous words that I do not understand! And when he drinks, he uses bigger words!

Okay, now I am rambling, and you probably don't care about all of this...

Anyway, at about 330 in the morning, we decided to walk the one block home (Kev, Liz, me, Zack). We walked Liz to her dorm, and we waited in the lobby for Kevin to walk her up to her room on the 3rd floor, and Zack kissed me!! We kinda had a tiny mini make out session!!
Then we walked Kevin to his dorm on the way back to mine. At this point, Zack kinda wanted to hook up, but obviously Adriana was in my room. We could have found a place, or just waited, and he left the decision up to me. I decided we could just go to sleep, and maybe in the morning after Adriana went to work, he and I could see what happened.

So then he started to get my extra mattress down, but I offered him my bed because it was "more convenient and quieter since Adriana was sleeping", and he did not hesitate to say yes. I didn't get much sleep because he and I were cuddling, and rubbing each other's arms and stomachs, and rubbing toes, etc all night practically. We had a mini make out session at one point, but yeah... He is adorably sweet!!

Did I mention he is innocent? He is still a virgin, and he had all his fingers in 10 fingers while I had only 3. Anyway, then I took him to breakfast in the commons, we said good-bye, and we haven't really talked since then. He gave me a hug when he saw me at rehearsal, and after rehearsal we decided we were too tired to do anything, but we did exchange numbers.

He is totally dating material. I don't want this one to just be a hook-up. I mean, he lives in Redlands, which is a lot closer than Seattle (the alternative). And he is a theatre kid, and 6'6", and blonde, and has blue eyes, and he is so sweet, and humble, and musical, and did i mention I have a really big crush?

I feel like a junior high-er again. Oh well...it is fun!

Oh, and Kelsie called me today to ask advice about AP classes for next year, and I seriously wasn't that hostile toward her. I was surprised. But since meeting Zack, Derek's personality does not compare at all. I want a Zack, not a Derek. So I really don't care what happens to the 2 of them. If they are happy, okay. If not, okay. It doesn't affect me. And today was the first day I could honestly tell that to myself, and I think it is because I met a Zack and he likes me back (well, hopefully he thinks I'm datable too)

Ugh! I wanna know where we stand! Closing night is Sat. Opening is Thurs! So little time!

Heart you all!